I Battled Yo Mama, In 5-7-5

As I’m sure you all remember (because honestly, how could you forget), back in December my friend Jeremy, the head honcho over at Gosen Community Effort, had a fundraiser comprised of a 90s dance battle to raise money for those kids who want to attend high school way out yonder in Namibia.  Word To Yo Mama’s High Waisted Jeans won the glory of the champion title, and my ass got a beating on the concrete.  But a good ass beating is sometimes worth it.

Well, it was about time for another one of those fundraisers, and this time Polio swindled me into competing in his damn Yo Mama Haiku battle.  He wooed me with bribes like “it’s an opportunity for self growth” and “you’ll probably win”, along with the daily Kakao’d haiku for good measure.  I gave in, but as each day passed, I really wanted to bail because my nerves were rising. I couldn’t handle anymore nerves on my plate!  Then all the shit that Polio would give me for bailing, coupled with that damned opportunity for self growth, cancelled my escape route.

The fundraiser went down at the new Southern Sons bar, owned by some chingus from Texas, where 8 battlers competed for the best in Yo Mama shit talking. Each pair of us were given a topic ~ stupid, fat, bald, and so on, that we had to write 3 Yo Mama jokes in haiku form for, except for the finals, which consisted of 5 haikus on anything shaming Yo Mama.  For those who don’t know what a haiku is, I don’t know how you graduated 5th grade, but in any event, it follows a syllable format of 5-7-5.

After each battle we went around and hustled the crowd for raffle tickets that attendees purchased, and at the conclusion of each round raffle tickets were counted and winners progressed to the next round. The perk of having all your remaining friends still living in the country in attendance means you find yourself in the finals like so.

haiku battle

I actually cringe when I listen to my voice in these battles, but you gotta put on yo gangsta face when duty calls. This clearly proves that A) I don’t have a good poker face and can’t not laugh at my competition, B) I am so white, and C) this was a good outlet for my vulgar mouth.

Now here I grace you with the awkwardness of a Haiku Battle.  A video of round 1 and the finals, and a photo of round 2 against the guy I thought should have won. HE WAS SO FUNNY! There’s no video of it though because I guess all of my friends were too enamored by my haiku spitting about yo mama’s mustache to capture a video.

round 2

“Yo mama so bald, She used all your dad’s back hair, To make her own weave.”

In the end, I came in 2nd place, or as I like to put it, 1st is the worst, 2nd is the best. It turned out to be so much fun and I’m so happy I did it, even if I wasn’t the 2 time fundraising champion.  Also, given that I want to tackle doing stand up at least once in my life, ’twas a nice little segue.

I hope you enjoyed, and peace and yo mama’s mustache grease.


Planet Moron Round 2

Remember this guy?

Well, it appears that I have been served up a second serving of him, and it tastes just as foul as I remember.  My school  A) doesn’t care about the English its students are learning and B) travels to planet Moron to retrieve specimens of idiot to throw into a classroom with me and see how well I can tolerate their just.standing.there.doing.nothing.  I AM NOT HAPPY. Especially when I had finally been graced with a young, lovely, SMART, new co-teacher who had a strong enough grasp of the English language and a spectacular eagerness to learn more. Hong-Eon was my new little dream boat and she was snatched away before I could even say “Thank you”.  Good thing I didn’t get a chance to.

A homeroom teacher in the 3rd grade had to go and get pregnant (the nerve!!!….totally jk) and the school decided that since Hong-Eon is young and new she could be moved easily, so that’s what they did.  The Vice Principal actually asked her if she knew anyone looking for a job and could fill in for a month and a half, regardless of their ability to speak English, just so they could finish out the semester, and a new English co-teacher would be hired at the new semester in September.  She and I were both severely annoyed by that.  The school ended up posting the job opening somewhere, and that’s where they got this guy.  Thankfully he’s only here for a month and a half, but still.

When I met him, my principal actually told me (thru Jin), to learn Korean so that I can help him out since his English is really poor.  Excuse me, but I am here to teach English to the students, not do my job AND his job for him.  During the upcoming year I’ll probably finally get my ass into gear and  take some Korean classes, but I’m definitely not going to say anything to the school, especially after they said this.  I was so irritated by that comment.  What nerve! Hire someone who is qualified for the job they are applying to work, not just to have a body fill a space.

I know I have come into this situation with preconceived notions about the whole arrangement, but so far it’s shaping up just as it did last year with Mr. Jang…  Me leading all of my 3rd and 6th grade classes with a man who literally stands in front of the classroom leaning against the white board not paying attention to the lesson or the kids in the class.  Not picking up on cues to their lack of understanding and need of translation.  Him not disciplining them at all, even while he’s standing directly in front of them and they have not responded to my scolding in English. And me jumping around like a monkey between touchscreen and handing out points because he doesn’t help out AT ALL, even after I’ve asked him to multiple times. Worthless!!!

I have also picked up on some of his mannerisms at lunch, and I just think he hates kids. He makes weird faces whenever they’re messing around and doing things kids do with each other, and it annoys me. Maybe that’s just one of my weird neuroses, but it does.

I’m trying to breathe and bare with the fact that I only have about a month-ish left with him.  I’m just crossing my heart and hope to die that my school pulls through and hires someone like Hong-Eon or Jin for the coming semester.  It makes a world of difference teaching with someone you have a rapport with, and someone who even if they can’t speak perfect English, they are willing and eager to learn from you and work together.