La Venencia: Sherry, Hemingway, 1930s Spain

April 18, 2016April 19, 20162 Comments

As I’m a tremendous fan of fun facts, a fun fact about Madrid is that it’s got the most bars per capita when weighed against any other European country. Another fun fact is that the Korean peninsula drinks more alcohol per capita than any other country in the world. It’s a shame I’m not even close to being an alcoholic.

A third fun fact is that I love historical places and artifacts. I’ve always felt that way, from the time I leaned over the velvet rope in 8th grade to sneakily touch the Liberty Bell during a school trip to Washington DC and Philadelphia. The idea of touching something that really historic people touched, or for the sake of Madrid, sitting where Ernest Hemingway once imbibed while getting the scoop on the war makes the history lover in me really excited.

That being said, I’m guilty of feeling quite sedentary and saying I want to explore Spain more than I actually get around to exploring it. It’s one of those things I can’t stand about my Spanish self, but so it is. However, this attitude has a tendency to shift whenever a visitor comes knocking on my door from afar. Luckily it happens sorta kinda often. I can go on and on about how Spain and I just never hit it off, but I do love to show it off to my visitors. Plus, there’s still so much I need to see, of which I have a growing list that I need to get around to checking off during these last few months.

One of those places on my list of must-visits was La Venencia, an unassuming bar established over 70 years ago, circa the Spanish Civil War of the 1930s. The fun facts keep coming – it also happened to be a local hangout of Don Ernesto, as Hemingway was referred by the Spanish. La Venencia is like a little time capsule, and with one foot in the door, you are immediately transported to a time of bygones, of Republican soldiers sipping the one drink the pub sells – sherry, while divulging information to Mr. Hemingway.

IMG_5805 (1)

During Veny’s visit I dragged her to the bar at the top of my list, and I got a bit day lit while drinking both glasses of sherry that I ordered for the two of us. Knowing nothing about sherry (or jerez), I ordered one of each – a manzanilla and a palo cortado, served with a tapa of deliciously herbed green olives, and a side of dialogue with the others in the bar after asking the bartender “cual es la mas mejor?” Yes, I asked which is the more best, yes my Spanish sucks, and yes I got people talking with me – intrigued why two clueless girls stumbled into a sherry bar.

Our tab was written on the wooden bar with chalk just before sneaking this picture, disobeying the ‘no photos’ rule which has been long standing since wartime when Republican soldiers didn’t want their photos taken, for fear of being outed by fascist spies. After having a good laugh at my poor Español, the guy standing next to us asked how I found out about this place, wanted to know which sherry I preferred (the manzanilla was fruitier, while the palo cortado grew a little hair on the chest – I enjoyed both as time went on), and told me he has been a long time regular and believes La Venencia to be the most authentic bar in the city.

As if the ambience of the wooden bar, wooden tables, barrels of fermenting sherry, antique cash register, and decades old posters weren’t enough, a couple guys sitting behind us had a bottle of the manzanilla and a plate of machego that they offered us a taste of – unaware that I had ordered a glass already. I loved feeling like a visitor being urged to experience the bar’s offerings to the fullest. On the opposite end of the bar, as we veered our sights to the right, just to the left of the entrance, sat three older gentlemen looking as if they’d been posted there since the ’30s and hadn’t moved since. I sometimes have a bit of a staring problem, and think one may have noticed our gawking which I don’t think he enjoyed, but I was enthralled.

If you’re in Madrid and fancy a bit of history, are looking to try something a little bit different, something a lotta bit Spanish, and stumble into one of Hemingway’s many stumbling-grounds, I urge you to pop into La Venencia.

La Venencia – Calle de Echegaray 7, Madrid, Spain

Have you ever visited La Venencia? Have you ever visited an age-old watering hole that granted you a different side of the city you were in? Let me know in the comments!

Prague Is Bad To The Bone

March 1, 2015March 1, 20152 Comments

This winter took me traveling around what I always called Eastern Europe, but which is more Central Europe. But that’s all technicalities as far as I’m concerned. You read previously about why I became obsessed with Berlin, and now I’m going to let you in on the next destination on my winter escape, Prague.

For forever and a day, Prague has been boasted about to me by everyone and their mother in waking life and on the interwebs. You’ve probably heard it too. No one can keep their trap shut about how Prague is the most enchanting city on the planet. And while it is enchanting and stunning and reminded me of Beauty and the Beast at every corner we turned, its people are horrendous, which somewhat overshadowed a bit of Prague’s wonderment. A bit like Paris, they’re damn lucky they’ve got such a visually pleasing city.

With that out of the way, I will get onto the good of Prague, and really one of the coolest things I’ve ever bore witness to.

Jen and I entered Prague on the floor of a train, and after that haggard train ride, had a little tricky situation getting into our Airbnb. Twas a bit of a tumultuous morning, but once settled we came to realize our host was excellent. Martina happened to work for Czech Tourism, so she was a whole wealth of knowledge when it came to must-eat foods to add to my ever growing list, and where to eat them. Based off her recommendations, the two of us ate like queens during our time in Prague.

Kielbasa my damn Jewish face off.

Memories of Koko as I greasily ascended up to the castle.

A nightly tradition of parting the Red Sea. Here we have duck, bread dumplings, red cabbage, schinitzel, and mashed potaters. Oh, and Radler. Yummy!

As for the sites, I could sit here and yammer on to you about the must-sees that Lonely Planet or Señor Rick Steves will tell you to see, but I like the out of the ordinary so I will spare telling you to go see things like…

The Astronomical Clock and Name Day Calendar

This face isn’t unenthused over the spectacle, but rather of the Chinese tourist I thought to be in my shot.

Prague Castle and its insanely exquisite gothic architecture.

St. Vitus Cathedral is in the center of Prague Castle. The view from the top of the mountain cannot be accurately depicted. Must be seen with your eyeballs.

The Charles Bridge with Prague Castle in the background.

A wander over this bridge will lead you to Prague Castle. Fun Fact: We spent NYE at the ‘biggest club in Europe’ just next to the bridge.

Or Frank Gehry’s eyeball-tickling Dancing House.

And of course, the Jewish Quarter of Josefov, formerly the Jewish Ghetto. This deserved much more time as it’s mystical and beautiful and boasts one of the largest Jewish museums.

The Old New Synagogue, which I fancied to look like a menorah.

Rabbi on a string.

While you should see all these because they’re spectacular, the highlight of Prague to me lies an hour’s train ride outside of the city in Kutna Hora. I first learned about The Sedlec Ossuary in Kutna Hora from a group of girls I met in Berlin on a Third Reich tour. They told me if I did only one thing in Prague I HAD to go there. And I did!

The Sedlec Ossuary, a UNESCO World Heritage Site, is a Roman Catholic chapel decorated entirely of skull and cross bones. Yes, you read that correctly. The interior is the most beautiful display of bones you will ever see, and while it’s quite macabre, it’s exquisite at the same time. To think of living the remainder of eternity as the most bizarre artwork is quite a spectacular thing to imagine.

Above the chapel is the cemetery, that holds a special history. In the 1200s, an abbot of the monastery returned from the Holy Land with some holy earth to be sprinkled on the cemetery grounds. When word of this broke out, it became one of the most prized burial sites in Central Europe at the time. In the 1300s, after the Plague swept through Europe, the cemetery had to be enlarged to compensate for all the additional bodies to be buried there. Then, in the 1500s, after the chapel had been built in the center of the cemetery, bodies that were exhumed to make room for new ones were piled up in the cathedral. The bones were later organized in the 1800s into the masterpiece that it is today. It’s strange, and creepy, and extraordinary, and this kind of ish fascinates me!

Craziest chandelier I ever did see!

New meaning to human shield…

The only kind of selfies I take.

Hello sir.

And one more for inappropriate measure.

Crazy, right? If you are intrigued just as much as I, I suggest carving out a morning or afternoon to get your badonk out of Prague to see it. You can either do it on an organized tour or by yourself, which is what we did. Many of the tour companies don’t do it everyday, so you’re left to do it yourself. It’s open everyday except I think Christmas and New Years Day.

Getting to Kutna Hora on your own: From Prague train station, purchase a roundtrip ticket to Kutna Hora Main for 183czk. From there, basically just follow the herd, but it’s about a 10 minute walk from the station to the Ossuary and quite self-explanatory once wandering. A suggestion is to check the train times back to Prague at the station before you head out to the chapel, because we ended up waiting 2 hours for the next one from the time we were done. When you purchase your entry tickets, you can buy for 1, 2, 3, or 4 of the UNESCO sites. We bought for 3 of them and decided we didn’t want to see the others after the 2nd one (which was a huge let down after the bone chapel). The final 2 are in the city center, so a train or bus ride away.

Well there you go! I hope you weren’t too creeped out and have now decided that you will hop on a plane just to go see this miraculous chapel! Have you been to the Bone Chapel before? Did you go to the other UNESCO sites? What did you think of them? Did I make a stupid decision to throw them to the wind? Were there any other off-the-beaten-path wonderments I should have seen while in Prague? Did you think the Czech people were as rude as I did? Let me know all of your whathaveyous in the comments!

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Berlin: Wars & Sausages & Fur Hats, Oh My!

February 1, 20151 Comment

East Side Gallery-ing

Up until December I wasn’t too fond of Germany. My only experiences with it were ones of feeling super Jewy when I visited Munich back in 2006 on MayMay & SchaeffSchaeff’s Eurotrip. I thought Munich was so pretty, so clean, and that the people were almost too nice. I felt like it was a completely sterile place, and maybe that was because they were trying to cover up a horrible past. Or perhaps I was projecting. Who knows, but I’m not the only one to have these thoughts. I’ve heard the same from non-superjews alike.

I still hold these feelings towards Munich, however, my feels towards Germany changed after visiting Berlin over Christmas. Since then I have found myself telling people that Berlin is my new favorite city in Europe, and perhaps the world. I am obsessed with Berlin, and I only scraped the WWII and Cold War surface. I have never really been one for wanting to return to a city if I’ve already been there, I’d just rather visit somewhere new. But, that is totally not the case with Berlin. I NEED to go back. And I must return with sista so we can get our WWII Jew on.

Berlin has the history, it has the art, it has the architecture, and it has the sausages. All things that make Danielle a very happy camper.

Quite a chunk of my time in Berlin was spent doing walking tours. I usually like having the freedom to wander off down who knows where, but after taking a look at the walking tours offered by New Berlin walking tours, I decided that many of the things I wanted to see were best seen when you get the full story behind them. I could show up at the Reichstag building and look at it, but not get the full story of how Hitler came to power here, or search and search for Hitler’s bunker, only to find out that it is located in the middle of an apartment complex. Or I could walk along the Berlin Wall memorial and not know that the circular placards on the sidewalk were for those who successfully escaped over the wall. The tours were so well led, and so fascinating. I feel like I left Berlin with a whole new stash of knowledge.

The day after Christmas, Jen and I went our separate ways for the day after a snowy morning stroll through Tiergarten park. She went to a photography museum while I went on a Third Reich walking tour to get my daily fix of Hitler knowledge.

The tours all meet in front of the Starbuck’s in Pariser Platz in front of the Brandenburg Tor. With a student ID (thank you España) tours cost 10 euro (12 euro full rate). My tour guide was an Irish guy named Mark, and he was excellent. Now, to highlight some of my favorite sites seen on this walking tour, because quite frankly, it’s a lot of historical stuff, and you probably learned all about it in your high school history classes. But, to be there was quite something else.

1. Hitler’s Former Bunker

I was really excited for this, though I thought we were actually going to get to go into his bunker. Unbeknownst to me, the actual bunker itself has since been destroyed, so as not to serve as a mecca for neo-Nazis. However, the location of the place where Hitler made the most brilliant decision of his stupid life now lies underneath a very industrial set of apartment and parking complexes at Wilhelmstrasse 77. Even if nothing was underneath my feet, it felt good to stand above the place where that horrible excuse for a human being spent the final days of his life.

2. The Reichstag Building (Renamed The Bundestag)

This is the German Parliament building, and where Hitler rose to power in 1933 after being appointed Chancellor by President Paul von Hindenburg. This building suffered a fire in 1933, which is still unsolved to this day, and is also home to the memorial to the 96 Murdered Members of the Reichstag who voted against the Nazi party and were inevitably sent to their deaths – many at Sachsenhausen concentration camp in Germany. The building also stood as a huge target when the Cold War began, physically lying in West Berlin, yet still close to East Berlin.

Sachsenhausen was the first camp established in Germany, and was where many political prisoners were sent to die.

3. The New Synagogue In Oranienburg

Kristallnacht (‘the night of broken glass’) happened on November 9, 1939. It was a night when all Jewish establishments were torched and destroyed. One of the few temples to survive the horrible night was the New Synagogue, located on Oranienburgstrasse. The story goes that during the night, the inside of the temple was in the midst of being destroyed and burned. In the morning, a police officer arrived on the scene declaring that this temple is a protected historical landmark, and any destruction to it is illegal. With that, the temple was salvaged, and good thing it was, because it is majestic and beautiful, even in the moonlight.

4. The Holocaust Memorial To The Murdered Jews of Europe

I’ve seen so many Holocaust memorials, and I really look forward to them. The memorial in Berlin is one of the more interesting ones that I’ve seen, mostly because it’s so industrial and a bit cold. Though, maybe that was the aim they were going for. It is essentially a sea of cement blocks of varying heights. You have the freedom to walk through it, and watch the blocks get smaller to taller as you move through the wavy alleys. If anything, it makes for a cool photo shoot.

5. Stumbling Stones For The Taken

Throughout the Jewish quarter of Oranienburg, there lie small golden squares on the sidewalk. They lie anywhere; in front of apartment buildings, in front of restaurants, anywhere. They are an everyday reminder and remembrance to the Jews who were taken from their homes and the dates they were taken. They lie in front of wherever they lived, and I found this to be an incredibly thoughtful and jarring everyday reminder of the lives lost.

It’s no surprise that war history fascinates me, and Berlin has no shortages of that. The next walking tour that Jen and I went on was about the Cold War. Though the Cold War wasn’t so much a war as an occupation and divide, it still falls in the war history category. Before visiting Berlin I was pretty unknowledgeable about the Berlin Wall and East and West Germany. Really all I knew was that there was this massive wall put up, and that my mom had ‘accidentally’ hopped off a train in East Germany and got right back on after being bombarded by sights of soldiers with rifles in the station. Other than that I was pretty clueless. However, after a visit and some dropped knowledge, and staying in an Airbnb apartment just on the Eastern side of the wall, I can say there is no way to describe the feelings you get while being in a city once divided and with such a recent tragic history. With everyday reminders everywhere, it’s intriguing and mind blowing, and exuded some of the same vibes Cambodia gave me.

1. Berlin Wall Memorial And Staying In The Former East

When Jen and I were walking to our Airbnb, we had no idea we were walking along the Berlin Wall Memorial. We just thought it was a bunch of reminders like we had already seen dispersed around the city. We later learned that we were in fact staying in an apartment just beyond the Eastern border, and that the memorial was in fact THE memorial, and a chance to walk amongst the Death Strip of the wall. The girl, Katherina, that we were staying with was the same age as me, and was born and grew up for the first 6 or so years of her life in East Germany. This information alone blew my mind. Sure she was probably too young to remember anything insane, but still. One of the things she told us about were typical East German names, and how you could pick out an East German based on their name. Fascinating. Living history.

The memorial has former Stasi spy tunnels, images of people who’s homes literally straddled the border when the wall went up and were forced into life or death situations, homage to those who lost their lives trying to escape over the wall, homage to those who successfully escaped over the wall, and a chance to walk in the Death Strip – the space between the Berlin Wall and the smaller wall, where escapees were caught and usually killed.

Standing on the Eastern Side of the wall.

2. Staying At A Former Ghost Station Metro Stop

Our metro stop in Berlin was Nordbahnhof. When we first got off at the exit there were so many information placards up on the walls of the station. I was immediately intrigued and read every one. After reading them I still didn’t make the connection that the stop we were in fact staying at was once a former Ghost Station; a station in the East that was blocked off to trains that had to travel through in order to get to the West. It never occurred to me that the metros were effected. I had never thought about all the logistics that go into dividing a CITY.

After getting this bit of knowledge dropped on me, I immediately thought of the story my mom had told me about her time in Berlin. I never really understood the history behind her story until that moment, and of course – MIND BLOWN. My mom was traveling Berlin in the summer of 1974, and when she hopped off the train in East Berlin, she was faced with so many guards and their rifles that it freaked her out and she got right back on the train. I’m still unsure of how she was able to hop off the train in the Eastern side, BUT, it all made sense when our tour guide said that all ghost stations used to be guarded by soldiers. When trains would pass through these stations, they’d slow down, but not completely stop. Travelers would be able to see into the desolate stations, but only the view of guards making sure no one escaped through the stations to the west. I immediately could not wait to tell Mama Schaeff the story behind her hop-off-hop-right-back-on story in Berlin. The only logical thing that I can think of as to how she hopped off, is that maybe ghost stations were still glitchy that early in the game, OR, just that this is Mama Schaeff and that would only happen to her. I’d like to believe the latter, since I am my mother’s daughter.

3. Checkpoint Charlie And Exiting The American Sector

After WWII Berlin was divided into 4 parts: The French, British, and American in the West, and the Russian in the East. Checkpoint Charlie is the most famous crossing point between the East and the West. Now it’s a bit of a tourist trap, but has a museum (oddly selling American keychains), and apparently a place for you to get a stamp in your passport, should you chose to do that.

Since no more Korean peace sign, this is what I now do with my arms.

5. The Cute Berliner Amplemann

First, how many of you knew that the little guy who tells you when you can and can’t cross the street is called an Amplemann? Because I did NOT! Well, that is what he’s called, and when Berlin was divided into East and West, the East adopted their own special Amplemann, which is so cute and different from any I’ve ever seen. After the reunification, they decided to keep the Eastern Amplemann as a ‘souvenir’ of the East, and now you can see them and their little hats scattered throughout the East and the West.

6. The East Side Gallery

The East Side Gallery, otherwise known as the longest strip still remaining of the Berlin Wall, was turned into an art gallery for street artists in 1990 after the fall of the wall. We went on Christmas night, and it was absolutely freezing. I’m proud of us for braving the cold for as long as we did, though I wish we had gotten to see more of this spectacular gallery of street art. It’s painted with controversial works, works of love and abolishing divides, and everything in between. I especially love how something that tore so many families apart was turned into something unifying and so beautiful. It’s spectacular and was one of my favorite sites in Berlin.

Other notable things I loved about Berlin were:

1. This Russian Spy Hat I Purchased, Juxtaposed With This Speckled Metro Seat

2. Sausages & Pretzels All Day Errday

3. Christmas Spent In True Christmas Market Fashion, Complete With Warm Glühwein

Gendarmenmarkt was our favorite Christmas market!

4. The Vibrant Metros & Tiles Circa The 1930s

5. The Majestic Brandenburg Gate, & This Selfie With A Creeper

6. The Very Multi-fashioned Berliner Bear, Errwhere

Here's a personal fave, the Athens Berliner Bear ;)

Here’s a personal fave, the Greek Olympian Berliner Bear 😉

7. The Best Russian I’ve Ever Stuffed My Face With, Thanks To Random YouTube Girl

Pasternak served up the best Beef Stroganof, Potato pancakes, Pierogi, and not pictured, Borscht, that I’ve ever had.

Just enjoying this very Russian wallpaper, in my Russian hat, by candlelight.

8. Leaving Berlin, Via Train, In The Jewiest Way Possible

Though proving for a most uncomfortable 6 hour journey, this is the best story I could have ever imagined for my German Jew departure.

Well, there you go! Even though my German journey came full circle to my Jewish heritage, Berlin has really barreled its way into my heart, and I’m not ashamed to say I’m obsessed with it. The city is thriving with delicious food, terrifying history, unbelievable sentimentality, insane street art, and what I’ve heard to be a poppin’ nightlife. I’ve put it on my horizon as a potential place to plant my feet for some time, and I just can’t wait to return. Have you been to Berlin? What are some places you’d recommend for a future visit? The more offbeat the better!

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31 Times I Instagrammed My Life At 30

January 20, 2015April 26, 20156 Comments

30, as it would sound, was quite the transitional year for moi. Transitional sort of makes it sound like it wasn’t a good year, but au contraire my friend, au contraire. Transitional in the way that the year had so many types of ups and downs, but all for the good I’d like to think. I started my thirtieth year on the planet dedicating my day to the fashion of a rapist (unbeknownst at the time), went a bit viral on the interwebs, got heart-swollen and then heart-crushed during the wind-down of my Korean life, left the continent I never thought I wanted to live in to put a new twist on my life in the continent I dreamt of since the age of 10, found out what I’ve always been wondering – do I have a BIG VOICE? and had a couple reunions to set my heart aflame along the way.

And all of these lovely happenings were documented via the Instagrammer. So, to ring in my 31st, and the Age of Aquarius, without further adieu, I give you my thirtieth year on this great planet of our’s through the lens of my iPhone 5S and a filter or two.

1. Puddin’ Pops & Rapist Fashion

I don’t think much needs to be explained here, as the fashion is self-explanatory. However, if you must have your hand held, I rang my 30th birthday in with a dinner in which we were all required to wear a Cosby sweater, alla Bill Cosby. I made chocolate pudding cups and we enjoyed an evening in our old-man best. Naturally, my first thought once the allegations came to be was “Holy shit, I themed by birthday around a rapist!” Not many can say that and…laugh.

2. Lunar New Year In The Organ Black Market of Seoul

In Korea, and Asia for that matter, Lunar New Year is the big deal when it comes to new years. So, to fully immerse ourselves in the Lunar New Yearsness of it all, a group of us went out to China Town in Daerim, also known as one of the sketchiest parts of Seoul, and where you could very well find your organs for sale if you walk down the wrong alley. We all came back to the safe side of Seoul with all our organs in tact, and a gut full of delicious MSG. It was perfection, even if we did eat at a restaurant where dog was being served at the table just beside us.

3. Hello Baby Gavin!!

Gavin wasn’t the first baby of a friend to be born, but he was the first baby of two of my oldest friends to be born, and Auntie D met him when we was just 2 days old! Mommy Kendra was exhausted, Daddy Justin proved to be a baby whisperer, and baby Gavin had a big head from being a trickster in the birth canal. But my god, was he a dream to hold. Heart swells don’t even come close to how happy this moment made me!

4. In N Out & A Date With My Boo

Collin came down from The Bay because I specifically ordered him to. However, he came home a little bit earlier because he got in a horrendous bike accident. So, I drove my toy car rental all the way down to Riverside, which beforehand, I had no clue where it existed. I had no service on my phone, and got lost on the return home, but before I left I did get to eat In N Out on Collin’s handmade preschool plate. It was a magical day with my boo.

5. Fab 4 Bangin’ Booties

These 3 are my hearts when it comes to women. A trip around the world we are, and this winter after a champagne brunch in Manhattan Beach, we took my favorite photo of us. It’s just as perfect as those badonks.

6. The Baby Tour of Los Angeles Continued

This was a special one. Sista and I thought we’d never get to meet Kian, the newest edition to our crazy clan! But we did, and shortly after he had surgery on his head, making him the world’s cutest little race car driver. He was and IS a doll and I am obsessed with his little face!!

7. Tommy Boy & His Ego Came Back

Tommy and I got close fast, and this time he returned to Korea, professed his love, and we swapped each other’s rings for a day. We walked the Suwon Fortress on St. Patty’s Day, and drank expensive Yellowtail under a temple whilst overlooking all of Seoul. ‘Twas divine.

8. Ultimate Finds Whilst Vintage Shopping

This makes me sound like a bitch, but oh well. These 3 words sum up mine and Veny’s sentiments to a tee when it comes to new friends, particularly those LBH’s in Korea. I still regret not making this purchase. OH WELL.

9. Glamping & KPorn

We had been talking about going Glamorous Camping for quite some time, but alas that never happened. Until we stumbled upon the new Glamping bar in Itaewon on Taeho’s birthday. We sat around on beanbags and he was gifted this very special magazine by Joshua. He’s always so thoughtful with his gifts. Taeho very much enjoyed the black and white imagery.

10. Continuing the Love of Abandonment

Abandoned places that is! Joshy is my breaking-into-abandoned-places partner in crime, and for this wild ride at Yongma Land we took our third member of Destiny’s Child along for the ride. Joshy, Veny, and I nearly broke into Yongma Land, though that is entirely unnecessary. Just leave it to us to find the more ‘scenic’ route to enter an establishment. We basically went off-climbing to get in here, and once we were in we had tons of fun riding broken rides and watching creepers have cosplay photoshoots.

11. Slumbering With Snoring Ajummas

No one wanted to go out of town for this long weekend, so I took it upon myself to jet out of Seoul solo to Ganghwa-do just off the coast of Incheon. There I fulfilled my desire to do a sort-of temple stay, as I slept on a mat, in the sweltering heat, beside a bunch of snoring ajummas who kept throwing candy and fruit at me. It was an experience I will not soon forget.

12. Life in Polka Dots

Kusama Yayoi is a Japanese artist who’s work consist of one of my favorite things – POLKA DOTS! She literally lives in a polka dot world and created it for the world to see. The end of her exhibit is a room where you get to put your own dots anywhere and become one with her polka dot world. It was stunning, and smelled like feet in there.

13. Gone Viral Between Two Ding Dongs

My phallus-loving sister and I went to a penis cafe located about an hour outside of Seoul in Pocheon. The entire cafe is themed around the male ‘important part’, and after I wrote about it, my post got picked up by an online magazine and they used me and these two ding dongs as their enticing photo on Facebook. I was thrilled! What a way to make it big!!! Thanks internet!

14. Saying Goodbye Is The Worst Thing Ever Invented

A week of saying goodbye to the babies who stole my heart was quite possibly the most miserable thing I ever did. After 3 years it was time to part with my kiddos, and these boys made it so hard!

15. Lovers Getaway To Yang Yang

Perhaps one of my favorite trips done in Korea was this one to Yang Yang. Veny, Joshy, Dustin, and I rented a swanky Sonata and road tripped to the gorgeous coastal town of Yang Yang. It was bittersweet to say the least, and this photo with my first friend in Korea is perfect. We came full circle from looking haggard (if that’s even possible for her) on our first bus ride, to frolicking on the beach not wanting this amazing experience to ever end. Love my Venylove.

16. The Fucking Core

Weeding through the nut bags we were surrounded by was some work, but at the end of those 3 years I found some of the most solid friends a girl could ever ask for. For our last weekend all together we ended up at some crazy club in Gangnam. It was loud, there was seizure music, there were tears, but it was the best.

17. #tits

Korea is good for the Trick Eye Museums and the sex themed locales, even though the mere mention of sex causes a stir. But I’ll have you know, despite the contradictory culture, the Love Museum does NOT disappoint, as my kookster in krime and I discovered one rainy afternoon. After many phallic photos, this one of me helping The Hulk hold up some tits was a great indicator of the afternoon amazingness.

18. Dolled Up And On a Boat

What ended up being a failed attempt on ‘everyone’s last weekend together’ turned into a divine evening with these gorgeous lady lasses. We dolled up, took far too many posy pictures for my liking, and watched all the KKouples take romantic selfies of themselves under the Han River water show.

19. Straddling That Border Up North

In the movie The Interview they show all the North and South Korean military hanging out in this room watching Kim Jong Un get his ass shredded on live tele. Well, it’s a bit different in real life. You actually only get like, 5 minutes in the room, and the guards take shifts for show. Mostly. But, here we are, checking off another BIG must-do on the Korean Bucket list of life. Straddling the most heavily militarized border in the world.

20. Asianization Meets Europeanization

Getting this Spanish visa was no easy task. As an American it is near impossible to get a work visa in Europe, but thank heaven that programs like the fakakta one I’m in exist! The day I finally stared at (and immediately snapped this photo) this visa gracing MY passport, I literally let out a giant squeal. No joke. I wanted this visa in my passport since I was 10, and 20 years later shit got real. Thank you Javier at the Spanish consulate in Seoul!

21. The Saddest Day Of My Life So Far

Joshy holds the biggest chunk of my Korean heart, and being the last person I saw and shared a deliciously overpriced naengmyeon and jjigae meal with tore my heart out, despite what these cheesers may say. Saying seeya later to him turned me into a waterworks show and I did not stop crying until well after take off. It was the shittiest.day.ever.

22. I’m A Bridesmaid!

First, don’t kill me for this photo. You’ll thank me when we’re old and grey. Second, Jeanelly found her wedding dress, then asked us all to be her bridesmaids, then we had a Fab 4 slumber party filled with dress up, sexual Korean face mask selfies, and of course, watching Bridesmaids. It was only suiting.

23. Reunited With My Soldier

What are the chances that the next time I visited NYC my Israeli soldier would be there at the same time, 4 years after our last rendezvous in the Big Apple? Well, he was, and he came to Kayla and Jeanette’s birthday, and my heart could burst I was so happy to see him in front of me.

24. Imbibing Where Honest Abe Once Did

With only 2 choices of beer to choose from, light or dark, we opted for the more delicious dark at McSorley’s in NYC. My reunion with my Sammy baby was long past overdue, and seeing Shika Shocka was the cherry on top.

25. #grandmaswhorally Became A Thing

Here we have my first photo from Spain indicating that I do in fact have friends! This was also the night that the hashtag #grandmaswhorally stuck. What started out as a lazy night where none of us wanted to leave the comforts of our boudoirs (in my case, my hostel cell bed), turned into a delightful evening of sangria, homos all around, evening drinking on a terrace, and feeling old, but still young enough to kick it.

26. I Found An Apartment, That Turned Out to Be Hell

After a solid 2 full weeks of piso hunting around Malasaña, I finally found one that I should have known was too good to be true. What started off amazing, and quite hilarious, with a naked David hanging in my room, turned out to be a horrendous experience. Let’s just say THANK GOD I’M OUT OF THERE, and someone’s got some (dog) shit flying their way soon.

27. Mama Schaeff And Her Face Mask Came To Visit

My mother, the world traveler, finally came to visit me in one of my far away homes. We museum hopped, we fought, we ate tons of shitty fast food because Spain is all about the pig and Mama don’t eat the carne, and she walked into a nail salon and asked the nice ladies for a face mask because there’s too much smoke in Madrid. This is what she looked like for the duration of her stay.

28. 1999 Meets 2014

A reunion in Madrid that my 14 year old self surely would have died had she known would happen, happened. It was the best, and this cafe con leche from Federal pretty much sums up my feelings about said reunion.

29. The Asian Who Always Visits Me

Jnetty was my first visitor in Korea, and was one of my first visitors in España. Surely I love her so! So much that I snuck her into my hell hole of an apartment late night, and the next day we popped off to Sevilla and Granada, where we wandered through the stunning walls of the Alhambra in the frigid cold. She even tried her hand at the Español, and failed when she asked for the ‘jambon’. However, she greatly succeeded in getting me kicked out of my dark dungeon of a penis hanging apartment. THANK THE JAMBON ABOVE. No one tells Dani ‘no visitors allowed’.

30. Leaving Germany In the Most Jewy Way Possible

It might as well have been 1940something that snowy afternoon when I left Berlin headed for Prague. Upon entering the train, our first class tickets became null as our car was ‘out of order’. How, I’m unsure, since it was tagging along with the rest of the train just beyond the locked doors. But, out of order it was. So there I sat for 6 hours, along with about 5o other people, trying to find comfort on the train floor. Here I am finding some semblance of comfort under this man’s rear end. I could not have exited Germany in a Jewier fashion than this. It was utter perfection, and the story itself more than pays for the reimbursement we should be owed.

31. Why Yes, I Do Have A Big Voice!

For my 31st birthday weekend I popped off for a romantical rendezvous in Brussels, which despite what this blow horn might convey, was quite the quiet little town. We indulged in delicious chocolate and beer aplenty, played with aluminum balls, and even enjoyed a side of terrorist scares in the city. It was a weekend I did not want to return from!

And there you have it! My life as seen through most likely the Valencia filter with the sharpening tool on Instagram was divine. Though filled with lots of weird emotions, 30 was my favorite year yet and I can’t wait to see what 31 will dish out! If these photos left you intrigued, do follow along on Instagram at @dtschaeff.